Enchanted by Your Grace

I want to lose my identity in You.  I want to find myself lost in Your words, enchanted by Your grace, and enthralled by Your power.  Show me Your magnitude and how my little life can be of service.  I used to dream of the retelling of your goodness to thousands of people, watching Your kingdom come, even if just for a moment.  But today?  Today I would settle for a lonely journey, an adventure of faith and trust even if it was just me and You.  I feel insignificant, like perhaps the breath I take is wasted on an empty soul.  I feel looked over, not because You forgot about me.  But I was distracted like a child when she’s wandered out of line chasing a dragonfly. In Your grace, let me return to a community of fervent and committed prayers.  Fill my life with others who know you and love you intimately, and can speak of your word with truth and love.  

I feel out of sorts.  A little undone and hazy.  Kind of like a hangover, but I know my biological chemicals are at fault to blame.  My head doesn’t quite hurt, but I’m also not alert either.  I wish I could go sit at the coffee shop to find a friend to talk to, or sit in a lecture on our Early Church Father’s.  Have I lost sight of the hobbies and joys that make me, me? My identity was once wrapped up in pastoral power. I had the most innocent of intentions, holy, worthy intentions.  But maybe my exit out of clergy had truly nothing to do with me and I’ve fabricated this excuse as to why I needed to step down.  Why am I still struggling with this decision? I’m healthier and happier because I left.  Why do I still feel guilty?  Perhaps I know I was created to serve God and the Church.  I was commanded to do that.  But even now, I’m still doing that - I teach small groups, I lead musical worship, I’m involved in adult small groups and I attend regularly.  I know and am friends with my pastors.  Is that not enough?  What voice is from God of conviction or the voice of the enemy of inadequacy?