“…If you bear the name of Jesus Christ, if you proclaim to be a member of God’s body, if you are courageous enough to be a disciple of the Living God, then I urge you to study Scripture over social media.  Choose to share the gospel rather than spread gossip. Glorify the Prince of Peace, not our present politics.” 

There are three things that have been filling my cup this week — pregnancy hormones, S.W.A.T. on Netflix, and Follow Her Lead by David Kendall. And somehow, they’re all related — Hear me out…

Who’s to say if this is deep seeded depression, the reality of grief I’ve never known before, or pregnancy hormones that make me shape-shift without my consent…

…we’re in 2024 now! I’m in that sweet spot of pregnancy with minor discomforts and we’ve been training for this moment! Our website is up and running. Instagram content is flowing. Leads are trickling in day by day. And people are realizing the importance of healthy hydration!

It only takes one jump to entirely change the trajectory of our life, of our well-being, of our family’s future. And it’s time that catalyst burst. I’m terrified, believe me. I know the weight of this decision. I’ve toiled over it for 2 years. I have a fire scratching at my soul to succeed not so I have another thing nagging away at my time and energy. But I want this change in our family to provide better health for us and I believe this is a wise move in the midst of an uncertain future.

She is brave, but unfortunately, she forgets that. Therapy is not for the meek and mild. It’s not an easy process to share her deepest hurts as she reintroduces herself. It’s not easy talking about her trauma, broken relationships, biggest regrets, and sex life. It’s raw and painful and embarrassing and exhausting on so many levels. It’s not easy when she has a new list of coping exercises to practice, new conversations she has to share with her husband. And even though these things are good, it’s hard. Really, really hard.

I want to lose my identity in You. I want to find myself lost in Your words, enchanted by Your grace, and enthralled by Your power. Show me Your magnitude and how my little life can be of service. I used to dream of the retelling of your goodness to thousands of people, watching Your kingdom come, even if just for a moment. But today? Today I would settle for a lonely journey, an adventure of faith and trust even if it was just me and You.

What if my pursuit for familiarity is a feeble effort to achieve a feeling only my future eternity can provide? I think I might be chasing something endlessly. Perhaps that makes me a fool, maybe an adult stuck in a childish cycle. But my restless heart is both terrified and disappointed due to the lack. I simultaneously want to be home and yet I am home. Feeling misplaced is a funny thing, really. Actually, to be human is the most paradoxical reality. But those thoughts are for another day.